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Things you didn’t know existed

Archie McPhee's package design for their Unicorn Head Squirrel Feeder that allows squirrels to become magical. Image courtesy of Amazon.com 

Sierra Lutz

People are weird. Weird people make weird things. Weird people make weird things and then sell them to various unsuspecting citizens in our society. 

Welcome back to the place of shock and judgement. This week we will be talking about squirrels and unicorns. These two creatures may not seem like they go together, and that is because they don’t. 

However, there is someone in the world who thought that the combination of squirrels and unicorns was revolutionary and thus created the Unicorn Head Squirrel Feeder. 

That’s correct, a squirrel feeder that is in the shape of a unicorn head, similar in style to the horse head masks that hopefully someone has gathered and burned (but that is a whole other matter). So first of all, this product is terrifying. The design of the unicorn has a smile that’s completely evil, the eyes like a picture that follows you when you move. 

Despite this, there are many rave reviews. Pedro Ramirez really enjoyed this product because it got his cat hunting in the wild once again. 

“I’m of the mind that there are no free lunches in life and that all things need to be earned,” said Ramirez. “Because of this, I refuse to buy food for my cat. Unfortunately, the cat (we’ll call her ‘Ginger’) is 17 years old now and isn’t as quick as she used to be. I needed to find a way to feed her since she could no longer catch those pesky squirrels running all over my lawn. After a lot of searching online, I finally came across this remarkable cat feeder. 

“The design is ingenious. The squirrels simply stick their heads inside and don’t notice a thing. Why, they’re so busy munching bird seed and dry roasted peanuts that they can’t even tell that Ginger is going in for a snack. It’s hilarious! They literally don’t see it coming!

“Did I mention that this thing is super classy?” continued Ramirez. “Archie McPhee is clearly a connoisseur of the arts because it looks great in between the garden gnomes and lawn flamingos.  

“Apparently, it’s also highly versatile. Looking over these reviews, I’m astonished to see that some of you are using it to ‘feed the squirrels.’ Very creative!  

“I have to deduct one star, though,” concluded Ramirez. “I hung one outside my daughter’s window because she loves unicorns, but seeing Ginger do her thing only seemed to make her cry.”

Other buyers like Celestia used the unicorn head to take revenge on the pesky rodents. 

“I have lost many a woeful night’s worth of sleep tossing and turning from grief at the thought of the lack of degradation those nimble little tree jockeys have to endure,” said Celestia. “But no more! If you, like me, enjoy humiliating a scavenging animal on the prowl for food then look no further. This product is for you. 

Innocent squirrel unknowingly feeds out of a unicorn’s head (but let’s be real, that’s not an actual squirrel). Image courtesy of Amazon.com

“The pompous squirrel in the tree next to my window, Carl, finally got what’s coming to him. After a handful of feedings, a la Shakespeare’s ‘Midsummer Night’s Dream,’ he has become the Nick Bottom of the squirrel world. No more late-night party invites with DJNutz and the block squirrel beauty, Praline, who, by the way, won’t return his calls.  

“Hahahaha yeah Carl how does it feel to see your life completely unwind,” continued Celestia. “Bet you will think twice before chewing your way into my attic again and making it your den of sin. Over all, I give this five stars.” 

Despite the satisfaction the squirrel feeder brought these two Amazon customers, there are other reviews that speak of the many woes of this product as well. Buyer MM understands the creep factor that I professed earlier. 

“If a squirrel is in it, yes it looks cute,” said MM, “but if there is no squirrel actively feeding on it, it looks like a decapitated head. Also, the holes to tie a string too are too small.”

Many other reviews mention that their product came without a horn and a lot of customers complained about how the squirrels chewed through the unicorn head very quickly, making the expenditure worthless. 

So, there is a chance you will like this product and a chance that you are normal and understand this is creepy. However, I  think these could be a great addition to our campus, really adding to the palm tree environment. 

So, I hope you don’t get attacked by any uni-squirrels today. Stay safe out there! 






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