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Things you didn’t know existed

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Image courtesy of Archie McPhee/ accoutrements Archie McPhee Inkstand Underpants are conveniently compact and all you have to do is add water to have a fresh pair of undies for all occasions.

Sierra Lutz
Editor-in-Chief

People are weird. Weird people make weird things. Weird people make weird things and then sell them to unsuspecting citizens in society.

Welcome back to the place of shock and judgment. This week we will be talking about two of life’s greatest necessities: water and underpants. Normally these two items are not encouraged to join forces, but with this new, millennial inspired product, they work in perfect harmony.

Archie McPhee Instant Underpants will definitely come in clutch when you find yourself in a bind. All you have to do is add water and the compact pellet of fabric and it then unravels into a pair of chic hospital undies that fit most children as well as small adults. Classy.

Few shoppers have unlocked the true potential of these instant underpants, only utilizing this product as a gag gift for White Elephant games and stocking stuffers.

However, a couple users from a few years ago were able to unlock the true magic of this Archie McPhee product:

“Following a night out and several beers and a trip to my local curry house,” said Amazon user, Louise Wilkinson, “I suddenly found myself suffering from a desperate case of the Dheli Belly, Bombay Bum, call it what you want. Some may have been distressed at this situation but I had Archie McPhees’s Instant Underpants to rescue the situation.

“So I thought, I opened up the little tin, looked inside and thought that’s never going to fit. It took me some time to read the instructions due to my double vision, but I eventually worked out I need to add water, has Archie McPhee ever seen the state of the sink on New Years Eve at Mr Pritpals Curry House, I assume he has not!

“Undeterred I cleaned out the sink used a little toilet roll to block up the plug hole and half filled the sink,” continued Wilkinson. “I dropped in the instant underpants and watched them come apart, it was a miracle and 2016 was looking like it was going to happen. I pulled them out the sink and wrung them out. This was the second problem I had with this product, firstly I needed water and now I needed to dry them out because they were soaking wet.

“Undeterred I proceeded to push one of the legs onto the nozzle if the hot air hand dryer and switched it on while holding the other two holes closed and inflating them like a hot air ballon. By now the hammering on the outside of the door of the toilets of Mr Pritpals Curry house was quite loud, it seems I was not alone in my earlier desperate need to evacuate my lower bowl. Even so I ignored their agonizing cries to use the loo and continued to dry my pants. 15 minutes later they were dry, I put them on, they were rather on the tight side … but I strode out full of pride feeling sharp and able to continue my new year celebrations.”

Shopicorn was another user that found this product to allow for additional confidence throughout the day.

“Bought these for my husband in case he shat himself at school,” said Shopicorn.” He said he was worried about them fitting. I said you shouldn’t be worried about that if you shat yourself in school. An EMERGENCY is and EMERGENCY! He then put them in his backpack for safe keeping. I have confidence in this product and my husband has more confidence in school.”

Moving on from that in a calm and orderly fashion, many users apparently had great trouble unlocking the instant underpants. The water just wasn’t enough, even in a fancy wine glass.

“I received this as a gift,” said Julianne M, “and decided to demonstrate it in front of a group of forty people. Major fail. I filled my hillbilly wine glass … with water, and dropped the underpants into it. It looked like a giant aspirin tablet. It just floated on top of the water, and didn’t absorb it at all.

“I pushed it below the surface with a pen, but that didn’t help. I took tablet out of the water, pulled it apart a little, and stuck it back in the water. No dice. The thing just wouldn’t absorb any water at all. I finally set it aside. About an hour later, it was still floating in the water, looking just the same as it did before. I will never buy this product, and the forty people who watched this demonstration probably won’t either. I was so disappointed that I poured the water out of my hillbilly wine glass and got me a drink. So there.”

All in all this product seems like a toss-up in effectiveness as a whole. But at the affordable cost of $5.20, I would say having a pair of these on hand for emergencies wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Well Islanders, looks like it’s time to put on your instant underpants and face the day!

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