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Things you didn’t know existed

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Image courtesy of Accoutrements/Amazon.com Handerpants for sale on amazon.com

Sierra Lutz
Interim Editor-in-Chief 

People are weird. Weird people make weird things. Weird people make weird things and then sell them to unsuspecting citizens in society. 

Welcome back to the place of shock and judgment. This week we will be broaching the topic of undergarments. Now you’re probably thinking “I know those exist,” and are frightened about where this  is going. 

Well, you should be. 

The product we are contemplating this week is Handerpants, aka, underpants for your hands. If you over think this product, you can probably come up with some plausible reason to have them, such as to wear them under normal work gloves as suggested, but I prefer to observe things on a base level.  

I mean, when the product description blatantly admits that handerpants are weird, you just know they are. And they stretch to fit most hands. MOST. Where does that leave everyone else? Without their pants, that’s where. 

“They will keep the bitter British weather from freezing your hands,” claims the product description, “and the fingerless part is great for when you’re doing a fiddly job such as using your phone, typing, preparing food, etc. So go on, treat your hands to some underwear!” 

For future reference, if you are preparing me food and decide that is the occasion you wish to wear a pair of handerpants, I don’t want the food. I’ll starve in the corner, I’ll eat some celery, anything else but what you touched with your underpants — excuse me  — handerpants. 

Luckily, Marvin Johnson was able to inform us that the gloves are good for strenuous activities: “They’re great for everything, including weightlifting! I wear mine to lift all my emotional baggage!” 

Unfortunately, they don’t come in boxers so if you aren’t a briefs kind of guy, these aren’t for you. 

Bri. is an Amazon user that unfortunately thought too hard and found some practicality for this product. 

“I got these handerpants for my boyfriend as a fun and comfortable solution to the fact that he’s got to keep his hands warm because of tendinitis. He’s been looking for a pair of lightweight fingerless gloves so that he can type unhindered and these really cover it. These gloves withstand washing and are actually very comfortable, and just a little cute. All in all, we’ll be back to buy more of these many times.”  

I think she has a hand fetish to be honest ‘cause these handerpants are a lot of things but cute is not one of them. Maybe her boyfriend is a hand model though, you never know. 

“Best choice for anyone young or old that need underwears for your hands,” said S.Smith. “I often wear them while shopping for produce at my local market. I recommend these over the  

generic alternative.”What, pray tell, is the generic alternative? Your bare hands? Being normal? Well, being normal is pretty generic, but normal versus handerpants isn’t really a competition. At least S.Smith didn’t go as far as dear Alyssa did. 

“Alas, before handerpants, my life was bleak and without meaning. Henceforth, upon the coming of said handerpants within the local parcel service, the meaning of life was revealed. Ipsofacto, my third eye has been opened. Furthermore, my closest friend has been plagued with multiple diseases and afflictions. Once touched by the magic handerpants, he has grown strong and found the courage to start a small school in Uganda. In short, should you make your next purchase on this website, it should be handerpants without a doubt.” 

I do feel obligated to caution you, though. There are multiple reviews that speak of weak pants. The gloves either don’t fit (the poor people probably don’t fit in the most category) or they tear after a couple washes and some light activity. So if you plan to lift more than just your emotions, you may have to buy in bulk. 

Well, looks like it’s time to put on your handerpants and face the real world. Have a good week Islanders! 

Things you didn’t know existed is a column all about finding weird things and contemplating the reasoning behind their manifestation. If you have seen some weird things out there floating in the world and want me to take a look to reach out to Island Waves and I may just humor you. 

 

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