Things you didn’t know existed: chicken canes

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Things you didn’t know existed: chicken canes

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Sierra Lutz

People are weird. Weird people make weird things. Weird people make weird things and then sell them to unsuspecting citizens in society.

Welcome back to the place of shock and judgment. This week I am going to jump on the band wagon of ignoring Thanksgiving and skipping to the Christmas season. Even the product description for the product: Rotisserie Chicken Candy Canes (oh yeah), disses on the qualities of turkey during the holiday.

“Forget the turkey, start a new Christmas tradition: Rotisserie Chicken Candy Canes! Not only does this set of six candy canes have the same color scheme as crispy chicken skin but also the same savory flavor with sweet mixed in. Seriously, these taste like rotisserie chicken. (Really, they do!) Each candy cane is 5-1/4″ tall with roasted chicken-colored yellow and brown stripes.”

I feel like I need to rename this column “The weird stuff Archie McPhee makes” because they have done it once again. They have captured my attention with their off the wall products and made me cringe at humanity.

Overall, the reviews for this, whether one star or five, say that these candy canes are absolutely disgusting Like, throw up and then throw up again because you had to relive the awful taste. Delta1 gives a pretty all-encompassing review from their experience:

“Okay, so I ordered these because my curiosity got the best of me,” said Delta1. “When I first opened one, the first thing that hits you is the smell. I didn’t necessarily think rotisserie chicken. It smelled more like roast beef or beef jerky to me (and not in a good way).

“Anyway, you can taste some sort of savory seasonings when you try it. There’s also a hint of sweet. It actually tastes a lot like it smells, therefore, I really don’t suspect that anyone will want to eat the whole candy cane once they’ve smelled or sampled it. That is unless of course you enjoy candy products that remind you of the remnants of gravy from some unknown meat source (but definitely not rotisserie chicken), or a candy that leaves a horrendous aftertaste in your mouth and makes you wanna go brush your teeth immediately!

“It puts me in the mindset of the type of product that pets would enjoy,” continued Delta1. “You know, like meat flavored bones or chew toys. As far as people are concerned … not so much. I gave this item two stars instead of one because I don’t expect for these to be anything more than fun novelty type prank gifts. Something just to get a few laughs out of watching people’s facial expressions when they try them and see how awful these taste!”

These candy canes are definitely gag gift worthy. I don’t think these will be getting any shelf space in Target anytime soon.

However, I have an ingenious idea. Buy these in bulk and put them all in a bowl. Now, imagine it is Oct. 31 and you are expected to provide candy to random strangers for some reason. Boom, Rotisserie Chicken Candy Canes. Just say Christmas came early this year and give them no warning as to what will ensue when they go to eat that masterpiece.

The only flaw in this plan is that the reviews claim the smell is horrible, so that could give you away to your unsuspecting victims.

Any who, don’t buy these unless you have the above master plan in mind. And if you do steal my idea, please let me know how it goes.

Have a good week Islanders, I hope your Thanksgiving is filled with turkey and not Rotisserie Chicken Candy Canes!