Things you didn’t know existed: a recap
December 2, 2018
People are weird. Weird people make weird things. Weird people make weird things and then sell them to unsuspecting citizens in society.
Welcome back to the place of shock and judgment. This week I am going to shake things up a little bit. If you have followed this column throughout the semester, you know there is some pretty weird stuff out there. You also have seen the words “gag gift” thrown around.
Well for a limited time only, “gag gift” now means stocking stuffers! That’s right, we are throwing it back this holiday season to compile a list of some very “gag” worthy gifts.
- Rotisserie Chicken Candy Canes
Now, although this item may seem the most Christmas worthy, that is also the reason it is number eight. If you want to be basic, then go ahead and get candy canes. Sure, there is a twist of the most horrible flavor ever invented because these do not taste like chicken. At all.
With very low ratings, please heed the warning of those who have gone before you, such as the lovely delta1:
“It actually tastes a lot like it smells,” reviewed delta1, “therefore I really don’t suspect that anyone will want to eat the whole candy cane once they’ve smelled or sampled it. That is unless of course you enjoy candy products that remind you of the remnants of gravy from some unknown meat source (but definitely not rotisserie chicken), or a candy that leaves a horrendous aftertaste in your mouth and makes you wanna go brush your teeth immediately!”
These have no purpose! Getting your loved one the undergarments they truly need is a purpose, so I retract my previous statement. And you never know, this could be the product that gives your stocking owner’s life meaning and purpose like it did for Alyssa.
“Alas, before handerpants, my life was bleak and without meaning,” reviewed Alyssa. “Henceforth, upon the coming of said handerpants within the local parcel service, the meaning of life was revealed. Ipsofacto, my third eye has been opened. Furthermore, my closest friend has been plagued with multiple diseases and afflictions. Once touched by the magic handerpants, he has grown strong and found the courage to start a small school in Uganda. In short, should you make your next purchase on this website, it should be handerpants without a doubt. Underpants for your hands. … GENIUS!!!”
If you haven’t already added these to your cart after that testimony, then maybe number six will be for you.
- Instant Undies
If the Handerpants do not meet your needs, then these bad boys may be what you are looking for. Instant undies are super convenient and easy to make, just add water. Forget the Victoria’s Secret gift card, these are what people want!
While the reviews of this product’s effectiveness may be inconclusive, I think you should take a chance. There is no way the recipient of this gift can’t use them. They literally go under everything!
- Finger Hands
If it’s almost Christmas and you know it clap your finger hands! That was not as catchy as I was going for but still not effective either. Finger Hands can be a gift that keeps on giving, so this product is for the long term gifter. Or the lazy gifter who doesn’t want to come up with a new gift next year.
What am I talking about, you ask? Finger Hands for Finger Hands! That’s right, this gift is two-fold and will leave the recipient in such a confused state, I think it is worth it. After they try on their Finger Hands they will definitely be giving you a high “30.”
- Unicorn Head Squirrel Feeder
If you have a squirrel lover in the family then this product is definitely for them. Or if you just want to scare someone half to death when they open their gift, this is the gift to go with because the unicorn head is terrifying. And if you don’t believe me just listen to MM:
“If a squirrel is in it, yes it looks cute,” reviewed MM, “but if there is no squirrel actively feeding on it, it looks like a decapitated head.”
And since it doesn’t come with a squirrel in it there is only one outcome: terrifying.
- Yodeling Pickle
This gift is for the classiest of individuals. Why? Because I said so. The Yodeling Pickle is a gift that can be used in a variety of situations.
To sneak up and scare people when you play it in their ear, to scare off burglars from assaulting you, for entertainment and … that’s pretty much it, yeah.
And since the person who receives this gift will love it so dearly, you can get them the Yodeling Bacon next year.
- Unicorn Meat
Be warned: if you wanted to get your gift receiver something to eat, do not get them this. This product is still super weird, even months after the first review. If you missed my lovely article about this terrible product, Unicorn Meat is a spam can with a cut up plush unicorn inside.
I guess if you love or hate unicorns this is for you. But if you buy one of these for a stocking stuffer, please buy me one too. I don’t know why, but just do it.
- PDX Pet Design LICKI Brush
Finally, number one. The product that started it all: the PDX Pet Design LICKI Brush. Now this is number one because it is the most terrible gift you could ever get anyone ever. So, buy it for your whole family.
The effectiveness of using this as a grooming tool is not seen to be very well received by cats but maybe if you have a feline issue and want to scare a few furry friends away, then this product will probably work nicely.
A free alternative to buying this product would be to just print out the comments. That will bring joy and befuddlement to the entire family, Merry Christmas, right?
Well, I hope you now have come up with ideas of what not — I mean what to get as stocking stuffers for the humans you buy gifts for. These are all one-click purchases that you will definitely regret later.